strength was only a sheet i threw over my head, only a piece i carried in my back pocket. it built, occasionally it chipped but nevertheless it built. 

but then one day babies grew up and friends grew outward, people began to leave. people were always leaving, and that much i knew beforehand. we’ve watched the almost lovers and the friends and the best friends and the mothers and fathers and somethings and nothings walk out of doors. but it doesn’t hit you until you are truly truly watching them leave, leave childhood and school and that’s it, it’s over, and not until that moment are you going to realize that there is one shot at life. you only get one shot.

that is the most terrifying of all, because what if you’ve already fucked it up? we don’t think. we shut down sometimes, and that’s all. we just don’t think. 

and there they all go, leading lives that i don’t matter to anymore and that don’t matter to me anymore. except, they’ll always matter to me. see, i am able to glimpse the change they’ve all created in me. i am able to glimpse it and hold it and for what it’s worth, i want to fall asleep with the change cradled in my hand. 

and i am sad. i am so sad. i am heartsick, i feel heavy, and the sheet is circled around my feet but i am not yet ready to pick it up again and cast it around my back. i’m going to let it sit there in the pile around my ankles, and when i find time to move i’ll feel it brush against my ankles and that will be the touch that gets me through towards each sunset. no, i can’t believe all of my friends are not important. i can’t believe that ever, because why would someone waste time believing in lies if the lies were standing right in front of you like a movie scene?

lonely summer crawls up, a black beach wave. who guesses that? who guesses i don’t want to let the salty summer catch me and take me to sea? my oh my. i will return the the loneliness. i will miss the only thing that caught me last summer. i will miss everyone and everything and i will sneak to the ocean every night again and i will skinny dip to feel something new, even though i will really be feeling something old. i will not kiss anything because there is nothing to kiss but the stars, and the stars burn my lips. i will not feel anything because there is nothing to feel besides everything, and i’m not ready for that again.

maybe i’ll just float. 

quickly.
i am so sorry for leaving all of these papers blank.
i have so much to do and time all blew away.
please have patience.

and all of the sudden, we were here, now, this, and everything was gone. goodbye, dearests, walking out of the door for the last time. goodbye, dearests, taking with you my secrets and your friendships, taking with you afternoons in the parking lot and classes ditched to eat lunch elsewhere and taking with you jokes and the most comforting hugs and the funniest jokes we could think of. goodbye the lessons you’ve taught me and the places you’ve shown me, the hands you’ve reached out and the grasps you have grabbed.

i love every single one of you. i love you.

i want you to find everything, everywhere. 

i want to see you happy.

i want to see you explore and dance and fuck up and fall in love and get crushed and i love you.

i love you.